Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist by Ph.D. Martinez-Lewi

Author:Ph.D. Martinez-Lewi [Linda Martinez-Lewi]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: -
Publisher: BookBaby
Published: 2016-05-03T04:00:00+00:00

Chapter Six

Friendships: Trust and Transformation

The job of a friend is not to decide what should be done, not to run interference or pick up the slack. The job of a friend is to understand, and to supply energy and hope…

—MERLE SHAIN

…True friendship is a kind of singing.

—THOMAS MERTON

With a friend, we take a journey. The closer friends become, the deeper they are able to touch the core of one another and themselves. Close friends reach understandings, express emotions, and tell long-held secrets. A friend helps us ride out our regressive emotional states when we rant, cry, complain or howl into the crosswinds of our distress. Friends are steady when we feel thrown and confused. They help us to bear what is unbearable and deal with what almost crushed us.

Being Heard

True friendships provide us with an environment to be heard on every level. Friends are receptive to our periods of regression and growth, our seasons of sorrow and joy.

Fostering a true friendship can be especially difficult for those who have grown up with narcissistic parents or been married to a narcissist. If you’ve had a relationship with a narcissist, you may have been restrained and controlled from expressing yourself and exposed to perpetual criticism. Showing your feelings or expecting to be treated kindly when you are emotionally vulnerable is met with disgust. You cannot have an authentic relationship with or place trust in these individuals; they will always betray you. Living with a narcissist as a child or spouse places you in the role of serving them and keeping their egos fully inflated.

Developing a true friendship can help us recover from these damaging experiences. We begin to share ourselves in ways we have never ventured with another human being. With a true friend, hope and trust are strengthened and renewed.

When we share the intimacy of a genuine friendship we are never alone, whether that person is physically present or not. We carry their image, voice, words, and gestures within us.

Friends take on different roles. We are playmates having fun, being silly. The trusted friend is a protector, like a loving parent. A friend helps us ride out our painful emotional states when we feel overwhelmed. Crying in front of a friend is comforting; there is no shame or awkwardness. We feel at home within ourselves as we express our raw feelings.

Psychological Container

A friend is a psychological container of our life history—everything about us is held in that person’s heart. Like part of our DNA, there is an intrinsic need to find others who can hold and contain our deepest feelings when we cannot bear them. This person is available when we need them, not when it is convenient. A friend stays with us regardless of time. The true friend makes the extra effort to comfort us, to hold us psychologically. We can reveal our secrets and inner darkness to them and not be judged.

In utero the mother is the physiological container that provides the embryo with total sustenance. After birth the infant is held in the mother’s arms, fed, caressed and taken care of completely.

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